Generally I don't care enough about a magazine or a website's "Top ## (Insert object of multiple representatives to be compared here)", but for some reason everyone has to do one every now and again.  It's like a natural law that the forces of the universe must abide by or our world will be destroyed.  If there isn't a new list publicly available every month, earthquakes and hurricanes tear cities apart.

Nintendo Power, the magazine for Nintendo games that is just low on the Bar of Bias that you don't really care, but just up there enough to where you can't ignore it either, put out a list of the top 20 games of all their systems.  I won't even try to fathom why the Nintendo DS and Wii have lists, since I wasn't even aware they had 20 games in their libraries at this point.  I won't even dissect the NES, SNES, or Game Boys, their libraries are massive enough where 20 doesn't even cut it in terms of the number of great games they've had.  Virtual Boy doesn't count because it doesn't exist.  I don't know why people keep thinking this horror story told to kids to scare them is real.

But I do have a problem however, with the list of Top 20 Nintendo 64 games.

Listing the 20 best games on that system is something that shouldn't be at all difficult.  It wasn't that great of a system.  Its library is horribly small.  Putting together 20 games for this thing shouldn't use anything more than this simple forumla:

- Omit all shitty games from the list
- Put all games that were actually good at the top
- Fill the rest of the list with the ho-hum games
- If any spots remain, pick the least shitty games from the shitty list and put them at the bottom
- Done

With that said, let's see if Nintendo Power did a good job following this formula.  Here are their Top 20 Nintendo 64 games:

1. Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
2. Super Mario 64
3. Mario Kart 64
4. Goldeneye
5. Star Fox 64
6. Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
7. WWF No Mercy
8. Jet Force Gemini
9. Wave Race 64
10. Conker's Bad Fur Day
11. F-Zero X
12. Star Wars: Rogue Squadron
13. Paper Mario
14. Ogre Battle 64:
15. Super Smash Bros.
16. Rayman 2
17. Mario Golf
18. Rocket: Robot on Wheels
19. Pokemon Snap
20. Blast Corps

I don't think many of you made it past #10 without choking from laughing, or having a stroke.  I could understand if this were Family Feud, and the question was to name your favorite N64 game, but it's not.  This list is terrible.  And since it's my God-given right to do so for no reason, I'm going to try and help the people at Nintendo Power out by pointing out how they fucked this up.  Maybe they'll learn and not do it again.  Or maybe pigs will fly and shit gold coins.  Whichever comes first.

First off, the best N64 game is Goldeneye.  Always was, always will be.  This cannot be disputed.  No other game on this system could actually succeed in getting people over to your house to for once use all 4 controller plugs on the system.  Try asking your friends to come and play Mario Kart 64 or F-Zero X, and you're likely to get turned down.  Tell them you've got Goldeneye, with the one-hit-kill Golden Gun and everyone's at your door waiting their turn to get that gun, camp, and snipe and piss everyone off and start fights.  Good times.

Secondly, I'm taking Jet Force Gemini, Ogre Battle 64, Rayman 2, and Rocket: Robot on Wheels off the list, simply because I've never heard of / played them.  Especially that last one.  I don't even want to know what that's about.  I'm also taking off Pokemon Snap, Blast Corps, and Mario Golf because I don't care for Pokemon, hated Blast Corps, and Mario Golf?  Really?  GOLF??.  Hey, it's my list, I'll do what I want with it.  This might seem to decimate the list because there might not be enough to fill it back to 20, but hold on.  I haven't forgotten the ultimate travesty of this list:

The Snubs.  There are several games I can think of that should be on this list (much less any list), and why they're not is a complete mystery to me.  If you're going to rank this system's games, you are obligated to include the following.  No ifs ands or buts.  Let's run this down:

- Bomberman 64.  This game had the necessities of a 3D game.  Upgradable weapons, customizable outfits, challenging yet fun levels, enemies, and bosses, and the required "blow shit up all the time" activity.  The fact that it's not on this list tells me the editors of Nintendo Power kept blowing themselves up, got mad, and never played again.  Pussies.

- Doom 64.  The omission of this game is an insult to people who got to enjoy one of the few games involving the necessary killing of things that Nintendo's allowed on their systems the last 20 years.  It was also the game that made every other game company look lazy with its graphics and sound, which was like telling everyone to take their obvious polygons and shove them.  It was a breakthrough that broke through the limitations of the system and yet get's no respect in the list.  John Carmack has built a death laser and it will be aimed at anyone's house who leaves this off their list.

- Mario Party.  Say what you want, but Mario Party was, and as far as I'm concerned still is, the only game of its kind that matters.  It was one of the few games that could make people give a shit about the N64, and one of the best at getting that last second win in a game and having your friend go into a cursing fest because doesn't get the 10 coin prize.  Stealing stars and thereby stealing a full blown win is also worth watching someone hate you for.

- Diddy Kong Racing.  Fuck you.  This game was awesome.  I can't think of many games, if any, that involve cute, cuddly animals driving go-carts, planes, and rafts, causing mayhem in an adventure-type setting instead of the typical cup racing in most racing games.  Top that with one-on-one races with creatures who give you a fight on foot, and it makes for a real enjoyable experience.  By the way, fuck that walrus.  Cheap, speeding asshole.

- Kirby 64. Because it's Kirby, and Kirby is awesome.  Besides, round creatures that inhale their food in public without consideration for the feelings of those around them need love too.

With all this said, you know all you need to know to compile a list of the best N64 games.  Just make sure your list looks similar to this (games not listed in particular order):

-- Best games.  At least 3 of these must appear in top 10. --

Bomberman 64
Doom 64
Either Legend of Zelda game
Goldeneye
Star Fox 64
Super Mario 64

-- The middle ground.  Must appear on list somewhere. --

Conker's Bad Fur Day
Diddy Kong Racing
Kirby 64
Mario Party
Mario Kart 64
Paper Mario
Perfect Dark

-- Put these other ones in if you want. --

Clay Fighter 63 / 13
Cruisin' USA
Killer Instinct Gold
Pilotwings 64
Super Smash Bros.
Turok
Waverace 64

-- Remainder --

(Doesn't matter.  Just don't make your list deep into the shitty games category.)

And to Nintendo Power, I hope you learn from this so that the next time you make a list for a system that sucked, you won't just stick names of games on the wall and throw darts at them.  Because if that's what you did for this list, then you really fucking suck at darts.